


Back and Yet Onward

by peaceloveandjocularity



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drowning, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marital Arguments, Multi, Near Death Experiences, Polyamory, Romantic Triad, Suicidal Ideation, Time Travel AU, but like... it takes a while, dream - Freeform, there's almost a pistol whip and I should have added that, time travel or near death experience? I don't know and neither do you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:47:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27625609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peaceloveandjocularity/pseuds/peaceloveandjocularity
Summary: CW: near drowning, suicidal ideation (passing mention)BJ and Peg have an argument about Hawkeye which leads to BJ having to confront his fears about being replaced.
Relationships: B. J. Hunnicutt/Peg Hunnicutt, B. J. Hunnicutt/Peg Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Peg Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	Back and Yet Onward

It was a stupid argument. BJ _knew_ it was a stupid argument and yet, here they were arguing. BJ shoved his shoes on his feet. 

“You’re just going to let him head back to Maine? You aren’t even going to _think_ about telling him before he goes back?” Peg’s arms were crossed in front of her chest. 

BJ shook his head and snagged his hat from the hook by the back door. “I’m going for a walk on the beach,” he said. 

Peg ran to stand in front of the door, her hand holding it closed. “Why won’t you tell him? We need to talk about this BJ.” 

“Peg, move,” he said, his voice low. 

“No.” 

BJ glared at her and she held his gaze, glaring right back at him. 

“You don’t intimidate me. We need to talk about this. I want to understand, BJ. Help me understand what’s so scary about this for you.” 

“I just need to think. I don’t— Just let me go think.” 

Peg leaned back against the door and crossed her arms again. “You should have thought for those two years in Korea. You had Hawkeye all to yourself! You should’ve _thought_ before you brought him home to me, or maybe you should’ve thought about it before I fell in love with him, you jackass. Or maybe you should have figured all of this out before I started thinking you felt the same about him. Damn it, BJ! Why the cold feet now, when you’ve known him for nearly four years?” 

BJ shrugged and pulled the hat on his head. He picked Peg up and turned around, setting her back on the floor behind him. He closed the door behind him and started his walk down the stairs to the beach. The night air was warm but the breeze blowing in off the water offered a slight reprieve. He walked the length of the beach, end to end, and then back again. He was pacing. He could feel Peg watching him from the house. He just kept walking. 

It wasn’t until the lights shut off in the house that BJ dropped into the sand. The waves lapped over his feet as his legs stretched out toward the ocean. Everything was a mess. 

Peg was right. He should’ve figured out all these feelings years ago. He should have known that repressing his feelings wouldn’t work forever and now that Peg shared them it was even harder. 

BJ raked his hands down his face. “Fuck!” he yelled. 

_Hawkeye was holding him close, cradling his head._

BJ threw himself back in the sand and fisted his fingers in his hair. How did things get so messed up? 

What if Hawk said no? What if it killed their friendship and BJ lost the best friend he’s ever had? What if Hawk and Peg decided they worked better together— without him? A thousand thoughts were racing through his mind. He loved Peg— that much was definite. He cared very— no, he loved Hawkeye. He loved him just like he loved Peg. 

What about Erin? How would all of this affect her? And the neighbors— what would they think? What if something happened and they had to split? Would all three of them split? What if BJ was the extra sheared off, the one they decided had to leave? Would he be able to survive without them? 

The night was quiet. Most of the neighbors had shut off their lights and BJ could see the stars for once. The waves crashed over the beach and BJ couldn’t help but think of a poem— Robert Frost, he thought— how countlessly the stars congregate as if with keenness for our fate. What was their fate— Hawkeye, Peg, and BJ? Were they fated to forever or were they doomed to impermanence? 

_Minerva’s snow-white marble eyes  
Without the gift of sight. _

BJ could sure use sight right now. 

BJ laid on the beach for hours. Eventually the waves advanced up the beach, the water soaking his shorts. BJ sighed but didn’t move, didn’t sit up. He stared at the stars wishing, just for a moment, that he knew what they knew. 

A big wave crashed on the shore, soaking BJ, dragging him out into the sea. He was pushed down beneath the water and tumbled against the sand. He fought to sit up, the water choking him. He stood up pushed himself out of the water, and wiped at his eyes. A shard of broken shell cut into his foot. He hopped on one foot for a bit until he couldn’t anymore. He’d just clean his foot in the house. He couldn’t see; between the black of night and the sand and water in his eyes, everything was dark. He made his way up the beach, peeling his shirt off his skin. He used it to wipe at his eyes, climbing up onto the back porch. 

The air seemed a bit colder but BJ couldn’t decide if it really was or if it was just because he was soaked. He sighed and tossed his shirt over the edge of the railing. It’d dry out by morning. 

Something was off, but BJ couldn’t figure out what. Was it darker outside? The house looked— it was different somehow. 

BJ sighed and turned the knob on the back door. It slammed against the lock. He banged on the door. “Open the door, Peg!” A light clicked on upstairs— the light illuminated the beach just a bit more. “C’mon I know you’re mad at me but isn’t this a bit childish? Open up!” BJ slammed his hand against the door and jumped over the side of the porch. He walked around the house to the front and tried the front door. The knob caught against the lock. “Damn it!” he yelled through gritted teeth, slamming his hand against the door again. 

BJ heard movement coming from inside. It didn’t sound like Peg’s movements but he figured it was just her tired shuffling. The lock turned and the feet stepped back and BJ sighed. He opened the door and came face to face with a pistol, Hawkeye’s steady hands wrapped around it. 

BJ gasped, the metal radiating cold near his forehead. “Hawk…?” His heart was pounding in his chest as Hawkeye stared at him. His jaw was clenched, his hands were starting to shake. 

Tears began to well up in Hawkeye’s eyes as he stared at BJ. 

“Hawkeye put the gun down.” When Hawkeye’s hands didn’t move, BJ took a step back. “C’mon Hawkeye. You don’t like guns. Put it down. It’s not Korea.” 

“No,” Hawk said, his voice low, threatening. “In Korea I never would have touched a gun. But I don’t know you and you don’t know me.” 

BJ’s heart was choking him, pounding in his throat. “Put it down. We’ll talk about this. I’m an unarmed man, Hawk.” 

Hawkeye’s eyebrows furrowed before he slowly de-cocked the hammer on the gun. Hawkeye dropped the gun, his face pale. BJ stayed back, his hands still held up placatingly. 

“BJ?” Hawkeye’s voice cracked. 

BJ’s mind was in overdrive. What was Hawk doing here? _When_ did Hawk get here? And with a pistol? Staunch pacifist and anti-violence Hawkeye just pulled a gun on him. His _best friend_ just pulled a gun on him. 

Peg peeked around the corner then, just the shape of her backlit by the kitchen light. Her hair was pulled back sloppily and she stood there staring. She took a shuddering breath that exhaled into a sob before she turned and ran back up the stairs. 

“Peg?” BJ’s voice wobbled. 

Hawk was silent, staring at BJ. “Where—?” He took a shaky breath and raked his hands through his hair— shorter now than it had been yesterday. Hawkeye flipped on the light and retreated to the living room, sinking into the couch. “Where have you been?” 

BJ looked around at the living room. Had Peg rearranged the living room while she was calming down? Why— everything was so different. “I was just on the beach,” he said, confusion thick in his voice. 

“For three goddamned years?!” 

“What? No, I was— it was just a few hours Hawk. I was out on the beach,” he said, holding back tears. His voice cracked again. “I was on the beach.” 

Three years? Three— no this was a cruel prank. He fell asleep on the beach and this was all a bad dream. How do you wake up from a nightmare? 

BJ looked around. Something jarring, right? He had to find a cliff or something to climb off. Or… his eyes glanced over at the pistol on the floor and he walked over and picked it up. The metal was heavy in his hands. It was— wait this wasn’t his. This was Hawk’s. Why would Hawk’s service arm be in BJ’s house? There was no way he’d brought that to California for a medical conference. 

“It was only a few hours,” he said, gripping the pistol. He couldn’t breathe. His heart was choking him, his mind was a jumbled mess. “It was only a few hours.” 

“Beej, put the gun down. It’s not loaded anyway,” Hawk said from his place on the couch. “I would’ve pistol whipped whoever was out there before I’d shoot them.” 

BJ looked up at Hawkeye. “No this is a bad dream. The gun’s loaded, right? I just have to wake myself up.” 

“Christ BJ, you don’t think a gun to your forehead would have woken you up? This isn’t a dream and whatever you’re doing isn’t funny. This isn’t a joke.” 

“I was on the beach…” BJ said, tears streaming from his eyes. “I was on the beach. See, my shorts— my shorts are wet, see?” 

BJ looked around the living room, looked at all the things that had changed since earlier that night. There were photos on the tables, on the walls. Hawkeye and Peg, Hawkeye and Erin, Hawkeye and… a baby. Hawkeye and Erin and a toddler… A little blond hair, blue eyed toddler. 

BJ jerked his gaze away and looked at the mantle. A photo of him was just off center, his face straight, but his eyes twinkling. He was wearing his pink and greens. Alongside the photo was a folded up flag, pressed back behind glass, and on the other side, a photo of him smiling. This picture had only been taken a couple months ago— a couple of months to BJ at least. 

Slowly he sank to the floor. His face was dull, his eyes lifeless. What was happening? What had happened to him? 

BJ looked up at Hawk who was just starting ahead at the wall. He looked older, more frail. His hair had gone from gray-streaked to entirely gray. The lines in his face were deeper, crows feet deeper than ever. He still looked at BJ like he was starting at a ghost. BJ glanced back at the folded flag. 

Maybe he was. 

“What’s the date today?” BJ asked. “Is it still February 19th?” 

“Technically 20th. It’s after midnight.” 

BJ frowned. “1954.” 

“ ’57,” Hawkeye corrected. “Three years, Beej. I thought Korea was the longest three years of my life. The longest three years I’d ever face.” He nodded to himself, deep in thought. “I was wrong.” 

Hawkeye ran his fingers through his hair and the light glinted off a ring on his left hand. 

“Hawk what are you doing here?” BJ’s voice was weak and shaky. 

Hawk put his hand down on his lap and sighed. “It’s been a long three years, BJ.” His thumb rolled against the gold band on his finger. “A really long three years.”

BJ held the gun in his hand and pressed open the cylinder. Empty. He clicked it closed and tossed it on the coffee table in front of him. There was a small toy underneath and he pulled it out. It was a worn baby toy— nothing that had ever been Erin’s that BJ knew of. 

Footsteps padded down the stairs and Hawkeye turned around. “Dad?” 

“Yeah, bluebird?” Hawk said. 

BJ’s heart clenched. Erin hadn’t been talking to him. He wasn’t dad anymore. Did she even remember him? Did she know who he was? 

Erin rounded the corner and stared at BJ. Her nose scrunched up as she stared at him. Her eyes were narrowed, glaring at him almost. She stared at him scrutinizingly. Her face scrunched up. 

“C’mere Erin,” Hawk said, patting the couch. 

Erin walked over carefully, circumventing the couch to avoid BJ, her eyes never leaving him. 

Tears streamed down BJ’s face as he watched her. He was a stranger to his own daughter, his own flesh and blood. He tried to give her a reassuring smile but she crawled up next to Hawk. She whispered in his ear, her eyes never leaving BJ’s face. 

Hawk nodded suddenly, “mmhmm.” 

Erin nodded and crawled off the couch and plopped herself in BJ’s lap. “Daddy?” her voice cracked and BJ openly sobbed. He waited for Erin to wrap her arms around his neck before pulling her into a tight hug. His hands brushed against her hair. “Daddy where have you been? Why’d you go? Mommy said you were dead. Dad said you were dead too. Benny doesn’t know you but I do. I remember you Daddy.” 

“I’m back, baby. I’m back, okay? I’m here.” BJ tightened his grip on Erin until she whimpered. “I remember you too.” 

“Daddy, too tight.” 

BJ let go and wiped a tear from his eye. “I’m sorry baby. I’m so sorry.” 

Hawk stood up. “Back to bed, Erin. You’ve got school in the morning, okay?” 

“Will Daddy still be here?” she asked. 

Hawk nodded, picking her up. “I sure hope so.” 

While Hawk put Erin back to bed, BJ slowly walked to the downstairs bathroom and looked in the mirror. He didn’t look any different. He peeled off his shorts and slung them over the edge of the counter and just stared at himself in the mirror. He still didn’t know what was happening. 

But Erin recognized him. 

And Hawkeye. 

And… Peg? 

BJ cupped his hands to collect water and rubbed it all over his face. He looked at the mustache and the stubble on his face and rubbed at it. He wanted it gone. He wanted something else. He needed to be in control of something, anything. 

He grabbed Hawk’s shaving kit— _sorry, Hawk_ — and lathered up his face. He was careful not to cut himself as he removed every bit of extra hair on his face. Maybe he should cut his hair while he was at it. 

BJ rinsed the brush and the razor and set them back where they belonged. 

He tossed his shorts and underwear into the tub and wrapped a towel around his waist, sinking to the edge of the tub. He was acting like he lived here but… did he? Did he really live here? Belong here? Belong anywhere? 

Erin. 

He’d missed three more years of her life. She was nearly seven now and he’d only been with her for one of them. A whole year out of seven. How did she even know who he was. 

Benny? 

Was Benny the little blonde boy in the photos out there? He had to be. 

Peg. 

His wife, the love of his life, his best friend. Married to his other best friend, the other love of his life. And he wasn’t a part of it. She grieved for him; they had a funeral for him— a military funeral. Whose idea had that been? 

A timid knock at the door shattered his thinking. All the thoughts bouncing around in his head just dropped to the ground like ice. “Beej?” 

“Yeah?” 

Hawkeye opened the door and brought a set of clean clothes in and handed them over. “You shaved.” BJ nodded. “Thank god,” Hawk teased. He brushed a thumb over BJ’s cheek. “You look younger.” 

“You look old,” BJ said. “I think you’re grayer than your dad now.” 

“Well that’s what happens when your best friend vanishes off the earth, no trace but some signs of a struggle in the sand. What the hell happened Beej?” 

BJ pulled the clothes on, thankful that Hawkeye had grabbed sweatpants and a long t-shirt. He was freezing. The ocean water had soaked into his bones and he was freezing now. 

“I was walking on the beach and once Peg went to bed I sat on the sand—”

“Dumb to start with considering the water was 51º.” 

“I was just sitting on the beach in the sand. And I laid down to look at the stars— there were so many stars Hawk. And I was thinking about that Frost poem about the stars and next thing I knew, the water was pulling me in and I was in the ocean. I couldn’t breathe. I barely found which way was up.” BJ took a breath and curled in on himself, trying to warm himself up. “I couldn’t see anything. It was all black. I thought it was the sand at first but I— I came up here and the doors were locked and… now I’m here. What happened to me Hawk?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Peg—” 

Hawk shook his head and BJ closed his mouth. That was a topic they wouldn’t be touching yet then. 

“I got some blankets for you,” Hawk said. “I know it’s not much but the couch is comfy enough.” 

BJ nodded and stood up. His movements were stiff and lifeless. He dropped onto the couch and Hawk slung a blanket over him. “You’ll be here in the morning?” 

BJ nodded and Hawk pat BJ’s hip before standing up and walking up the stairs. 

Hawk was going to _his_ bedroom with _his_ wife and there wasn’t a damn thing BJ could do about it. 

“Wait! Hawk?” 

Hawk back stepped and walked back to the couch, sitting beside BJ’s legs. “Yeah?” 

“You and Peg—?”

Hawkeye sighed and fiddled with the ring on his hand. “I don’t think I can talk about it.” 

BJ sat up and pulled his knees to his chest. The blanket fell off him and he pulled it back up and over himself. He was shivering, his body trembling. “Hawk I’m missing _three years_ of my life. The least you can do is tell me what happened to my family. You’ve got no idea how—” 

“No idea how it feels to be missing something? To feel like one of the most important parts of you is missing and you have no idea what happened to it? Tell me Beej, tell me what that’s like. Because I’ve lived the last three years. You haven’t. I don’t get the luxury of just not knowing.” 

BJ watched Hawkeye, watched the tears well up in his eyes. “So tell me,” he whispered. “Please. I told you what I remember. Peg and I had an argument, I went to the beach to cool off and think about… things… and after the ocean took me under, I came right back up to the house. It was… three hours, four _maybe_. Three hours and I managed to miss three years. What’s happening, Hawkeye?” 

“I don’t know, Beej.” Hawkeye looked forlorn. “When you didn’t come back, Peg went out and checked the beach. And when she didn’t find you, but she found all the disturbed sand, she called me to help find you.” 

“Disturbed sand?” 

“Beej it look like you were dragged into the ocean, that you tried to fight to stay on shore. Peg said she watched you from the window for a bit before she fell asleep. The sand wasn’t like that before she went to sleep, but it was when she checked for you at 2 am.” 

BJ shook his head, his eyebrows scrunched in confusion. “I was laying on my back. I didn’t even get the chance. I was just whisked away by the tide. And— and that’s another thing. How did a wave big enough to sweep me into the ocean get that far up on shore?” 

Hawkeye shrugged. “Peg and I spent the next few days calling police stations and motels, hospitals. We couldn’t find you anywhere. You were big news for a while— local Korea hero missing. M*A*S*H surgeon missing in strange disappearance. People sent in donations for your funeral when it became a hopeless case. I don’t know who or how but someone convinced the army to give you a full service.” 

“I saw the flag,” BJ said quietly as Hawkeye searched for more words. 

“I stayed with Peg for a while in the guest room. I couldn’t stop looking. We knew you wouldn’t just leave. Peg was pregnant. She was going to tell you that night but somehow the argument started first. Benny was born four months later here at home. I was by her side through it all. Eventually we—” Hawkeye shrugged and scratched the back of his neck. “We’d hold on to one another as we cried and sooner or later it turned into holding each other while sitting on the couch or laying out on the lawn. Then the kissing and then… everything else.” 

“When did you two get married?” 

“Last year,” Hawk said. “On your birthday.” Hawk made a noise that was a sob masked as laughter. “It seems like a shitty idea telling you that now that you’re here but it was our way of keeping you close. Erin was our flower girl. Benny was walking pretty well at the time— he was two years old— he was the ring bearer. We named him after you, you know. Benjamin because we couldn’t find any other B names we liked; you never told me what the B stood for anyway. Benjamin Jacob Hunnicutt-Pierce.” 

“BJ,” he whispered, nodding. 

Hawk nodded. “BJ.” 

They were both crying, tears streaming down their faces. “I’m so sorry, Hawk. I wish I could tell you where I’ve been, but I—” BJ sobbed. “I was on the beach.” 

Hawk squeezed his hand. “I know.” He motioned his head toward the stairs and stood up. “I have to go check on Peg. You gonna be okay down here?” 

“No,” BJ said, shaking his head. “But I’ll work through it. Take care of our girl for me, alright?” 

The corner of Hawk’s mouth quirked up into a small smile, though his eyes conveyed pity. “I’ll see you in the morning.” 

“Night, Hawk.” _I love you._

Hawk went up the stairs and BJ was left alone in the dark, his mind drowning him until he finally succumbed to sleep. 

_____

BJ slept fitfully. The couch was fine enough, but he couldn’t seem to get warm at all. The cold sat deep in his bones. Was it from his plunge in the ocean or was it the adrenaline crash? Either way, BJ shivered most of the night. He could have grabbed another blanket but the linen closet was just outside his— Hawk and Peg’s bedroom. He didn’t want to chance waking them or waking Erin or Benny who would wake them up.

He finally fell soundly asleep around 6:30 in the morning. His body ached, tired from shivering. His mind had finally quieted down enough where he didn’t feel like crying the entire time. He was still so confused and the ache in his chest never ceased, but he slept. 

BJ slept while Erin curled up against his chest. He slept through her getting ready for school and boarding the school bus. He slept while Benny played in the living room, right up until he fell asleep for his nap. He slept until his body begrudgingly woke him up. 

The first thing he noticed was that despite the length he’d slept, he was still exhausted. The second thing he noticed, once he opened his eyes, is that Peg was staring at him. 

Peg had curled up into the chair, her feet propped up on the cushion, knees against her chest. She was so tightly curled up on herself that it looked uncomfortable. She watched him, even after he’d woken up and caught her. A mug was curled up on her knee as she watched him and she took sips of it every now and then. 

She was wearing a pair of long johns as pajamas— something Hawkeye must have gotten her for trips to Maine. Her eyes were wide, unbelieving as she watched him. Her hair had mostly fallen from her tie and was gathered around her face. She was as gorgeous as ever. “You shaved,” she said after a while. 

BJ nodded, but stayed silent.

“Are you going to say anything?” 

“I don’t know what to say,” BJ said quietly. 

“Where were you?” Peg asked, almost angry. Her eyes were watering. “Where’d you go?” 

“I was on the beach,” BJ whispered, “I never left the beach. I’d never leave you, not again.” 

Just then, a little blond haired boy walked up to BJ and slapped at the blanket he was wearing— Benny. BJ didn’t touch him, didn’t dare to. 

“Hi!” Benny said, grinning. He had a head full of curls that bounced when he moved. “What’s your name?” 

BJ smiled sadly at him. “I’m BJ. What’s your name?” 

“I’m Benny!” 

Peg motioned to Benny to come to her. “Come here baby.” He ran to her and jumped up into her lap. 

“Hi mama.” Benny said, kissing her cheek. He curled Peg’s hair around his right hand and shoved the first two fingers of his left hand into his mouth. 

“Hi sweetheart.” Peg said quietly near his ear. “Do you remember who this is? From the pictures?” 

“That’s BJ! He’s my daddy!” 

BJ’s chest ached. He’d missed so much. Tears streamed from his eyes as he watched them. Benjamin looked so much like Peg. Erin was six years old now. Benny was nearly… three? He’d missed so much and they were all doing fine without him. 

BJ grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around his shoulders and walked out the back door. He curled up on the swing in the corner and looked out at the ocean. He’d never felt so alone, so isolated. 

Hawkeye brought him a couple mugs out to the porch and held them out to BJ. “Peppermint tea or coffee?” BJ took the tea and cradled it in his hands. “Are you hungry? I made lunch.” 

BJ shook his head. 

“C’mon Beej, you have to eat.” Hawkeye held the coffee in his hands and sat down beside BJ on the floor. 

“I’ve managed to lose three years of my life in a matter of hours. Excuse me if I’m not hungry.” 

Hawkeye crossed his legs and held his hands in his lap. He set his head against BJ’s knee. “We never stopped looking for you. There’s still— there’s still missing photos up around town, the city. I still call hospitals and police stations at least once a week. Any time there’s a John Doe that turns up, I’m there to see if it’s you.” 

BJ drank the tea down— gulped it, really— and set the cup on the porch railing. His mouth ached, his taste buds were burned but he could at least feel something other than confusion. He scraped his tongue against his teeth and pulled the blanket back around himself. 

“And now you’re here,” Hawk said, “and no one knows where you’ve been.” 

“I was on the beach,” BJ mumbled angrily. 

Hawk pulled away from BJ’s leg and glared at him. “You weren’t on the beach for three damn years, BJ,” he spat. 

“I was out there for a few hours, Hawkeye! Where else do you think I would be? You think I’d leave my family? My friends? My wife and child and apparently another one on the way? I don’t know what happened Hawkeye, but I want to go back. _I_ want to be married to my wife and _I_ want to be the kids’ father. They don’t know me. I’m just a name to them.” 

Hawk pushed himself away from BJ and stood up. “At least we told them about you,” he said, pushing his way back into the house. “We could have made sure Benny had no clue who you were at all.” 

BJ sighed but stood up and grabbed his mug from the railing. As his hand took hold of the doorknob, he paused. What if the door was locked again? He set the mug down in front of the door, dropped the blanket and stumbled down the stairs to the beach. He tripped close to the bottom and scraped his knees against the stone. Blood spread across the knee of the pants but he kept running to the beach. He thought about running into the water, to try and end this whole thing, but wouldn’t that be worse? 

Hawkeye and Peg could convince the kids that he was all a dream, surely. 

_“What did I do to you?!”_ he screamed— to the ocean, to the sky, the universe.

BJ trudged up the beach and sat at the very top, where the beach met weeds and prickly grass. His knee was bleeding, Hawkeye’s sweatpants were ripped, his chest ached. BJ buried his head in his hands and he sobbed. His body shook as every bit of confusion and pain and anger came to the forefront of his mind. 

A hand touched his shoulder and he jerked back as a neighbor looked at him. “BJ…? Oh my god.” 

BJ stared up at him— Bradley Collins. He was the man who owned the house a few places down. 

“BJ is it really you?” 

BJ nodded and wiped at his eyes. “Hey Brad.” 

Bradley pulled BJ to his feet and yanked him into a hug. “We all thought you were dead, where have you been for three years?” He pulled back from BJ and looked at BJ’s face.

BJ just stared at— no, not at, _through_ — Bradley. “I don’t know,” he said shakily. “I don’t know.” 

“Are you okay?” 

“My best friend married my wife; he’s raising my children. I don’t know where I’ve been for three years. I just want to go back.” Bradley’s eyes widened. “I just want to go back,” BJ repeated. 

“BJ has anyone brought you to the hospital to get checked out? Did Hawk give you a physical or anything?” BJ shook his head and Bradley grabbed him. “I’m gonna bring you to the hospital, okay?” 

BJ didn’t say anything, he just followed Bradley to his car. He didn’t feel like he was in his own body anymore. He moved where he was pushed. Bradley ran in his house and grabbed a pair of sandals and pushed them towards BJ’s feet. The cut on BJ’s foot had torn open at some point and he was bleeding on the floor mat of Brad’s car. 

Bradley watched him carefully the entire way to the hospital. BJ just stared out the window noting everything that had changed. “Where’d— where’d the restaurant go?” The place where he and Peg had gone to for their first date was gone, the lot empty. 

“Burned down a while back.” 

“Oh,” BJ said, his voice cracking. 

The hospital was fairly quiet until Bradley led BJ inside. The flurry of doctors and nurses that surrounded him almost immediately was overwhelming. Most of them were co-workers (ex-co-workers?) who knew him on sight. 

He was set in a chair, despite his protests, and led to a room. The majority of personnel were pushed out the door and BJ was left with a single doctor. 

The doctor— Elijah Duncan— was someone BJ had known for years. He’d been the head of BJ’s residency program and taught BJ a lot of what he knows. He sat in the chair and stared at BJ, his hands clasped between his knees. 

“Hi, BJ.” 

BJ had somehow made it up on the bed and was staring blankly at Duncan. 

“Can you tell me how you’re feeling?” 

BJ shrugged. 

“How’d you cut your knee?” 

“Tripped going down the stairs.” 

Elijah nodded. “Can I clean it up?” He waited for BJ to nod before going over to the cupboard. “I need you to change into this gown, okay? I’ll do a full exam just to check you over.” 

“I’m okay,” BJ said as Elijah set the gown on his lap.

“I’m sure. I just want to make really sure, okay?” 

BJ nodded and started to strip out of his clothes without a second thought. The doctor was thrown off for a moment but turned around. “Sorry,” BJ mumbled. “Habit.” 

“It’s alright.” 

BJ slipped into the gown and tossed himself up on the bed. “I’m decent,” he said. 

The doctor turned around and grimaced immediately. “Your foot is bleeding.” 

“Seashell.” 

Dr Duncan went out into the emergency room corridor and grabbed some supplies— a local anesthetic, sutures, a needle— before returning to the room. BJ was starting at the clock above the door even as Elijah explained what he was doing. BJ knew what he was doing but his voice kept him calm. 

BJ continued to watch the clock, keeping track of the minutes. He was very careful to keep track. 27 minutes from the time he sat in the room to the time Elijah was done cleaning and suturing everything. 27 minutes until his physical was done. 

“BJ, can you tell me where you’ve been?” 

“I don’t know,” BJ said. “I was on the beach.” 

Dr Duncan frowned. “What do remember from the last three years?” 

BJ shrugged, watching the second hand tick. “Nothing.” 

“What do you remember from before?” 

BJ sighed and looked away from the clock for a split second before looking right back at it. “Listen, Elijah, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 

“Try me.” 

“Peg and I had a fight. She told me I should have thought about—” BJ stopped, wondering about how much he could tell Elijah. “We wanted to ask Hawk to join our relationship and I was panicking and having second thoughts.” BJ looked down at Elijah who was frowning. “Listen, I know it’s not right and it’s not legal but if a man can have a wife and a mistress and it’s not illegal, why can’t my wife and I share a man?” 

Elijah just shook his head. “I wasn’t going to say anything about it, BJ. Honest; not my business.” 

“Yeah well Peg said I needed to tell him before he headed back to Maine and I wasn’t sure. So I went to the beach to cool my temper and just… think. Then a wave pulled me under and everything was black. I couldn’t see— I thought there was sand in my eyes. And when I cleared them, I went back to the house. Only the house was locked.” BJ took a shuddering sigh and watched the clock for a minute, parsing out the time he’d missed while talking. Four minutes. 31 minutes. “And I went around the house and started banging on the front door to get Peg to wake up and open it and Hawkeye opened the door, holding a gun to my head. My best friend was holding a gun to my forehead. I was on the beach for three hours, Elijah. And somehow three years passed.” 

“BJ I’m sure it’s just trauma…” 

BJ kicked out and send the small table flying across the room, needles and sutures scattering. “It wasn’t god damned trauma! It’s the truth. I was out on the beach for three fucking hours and I come back—” BJ stood up and shoved the small hospital bed clattering against the wall. “— and my wife and my best friend are married— they fucking married each other!— and they’re living in _my_ house and _my children_ call him dad. I have a son and I— I talked to Peg less than twenty-four hours ago! And she didn’t tell me! And now we can hardly look at each other and I see Peg and Hawkeye and this house that I built and I want to throw up. There’s this pit in my stomach and my chest and I can’t breathe because I’m so _pissed_. And I don’t even have that right because I was _dead to them_.” BJ sank to the floor and buried his face in his knees. His arms wrapped over the sides of his face as if to protect himself, his hands clamped on the back of his neck. “It was just a day ago and I’ve lost three years.” 

Elijah said nothing for a moment. BJ’s heaving breaths filled the room as they devolved into sobs. “You tore your foot open again,” he said softly. 

BJ uncovered his face and extended his leg. “You think I’m crazy,” he said lowly, staring at the blood puddling under his foot. “That’s fine. I’ve lost everything I care about anyway.” 

Elijah watched him, carefully reaching for the needles to pull them away from BJ. “It’s a bit hard to believe, don’t you think so?” 

BJ sniffled. “Yeah.” He laid back on the ground, the room opened a bit more since he moved the bed. The floor was cold where the gown had shifted away from BJ’s back, exposing his skin to the tile. “But it’s what happened.” 

Elijah sighed again. “BJ what do you want me to do? If you were anyone else, you’d be off to psych.” 

“I’m not crazy. If you’re going to lock me up, call Sid Freedman. He’s the only one I trust poking around in here.” He tapped his forehead. 

BJ didn’t even know if Sid was alive. Who’s died since whatever happened happened? Oh god, were his parents alright? Peg’s parents? Was Daniel alright? Everyone from Korea— Hawk would have told him if something had been wrong, right? 

“Something happened there. What are you thinking about?” 

“What if— Do you know if anyone’s died since— for the last three years?” 

Elijah took a moment to search his memory but he shook his head. “Not that I know of. No one out here anyway.” 

BJ nodded. “If you won’t call Sid, can you call Hawkeye or Peg to pick me up? I don’t care when. Tell Brad he can go home if he’s still waiting.” 

Elijah nodded and took the tray of sharps out of the room. He came back with a single nurse, a younger woman who BJ didn’t remember.

BJ lifted his foot and set it up on Dr Duncan’s lap when he reached for it. He winced as he felt the tug of the needle. “Don’t rip it this time. C’mon get up on the bed.” 

“I like the floor,” BJ said, looking over at the clock and counting the minutes. 

The nurse left with the tray of sharps and Elijah watched BJ for a moment. “I might call that Dr Freedman of yours. Where’s he based?” 

“Brooklyn.” 

Elijah sighed. “And you think he’ll come all the way out here?” 

BJ shrugged. 

Elijah sighed again and left the room, making sure to clear the room as much as he could. 

BJ shivered on the floor and started counting tiles on the ceiling. Every so often a doctor or nurse would walk in and clear something else out until the room was empty except for BJ and a mattress on the floor. At one point someone draped a blanket over him; he curled up and went to sleep. They mopped up the blood.

“Beej, wake up,” Hawk said, shaking his shoulder. 

“What year is it?” BJ mumbled.

“1957.”

BJ rolled over, tossing the blanket over his back to cover the gap the gown left. “No thanks.”

Hawk sighed— a lot of people were sighing at BJ today— and plopped down on the floor, crossing his legs. He propped his elbows on his knees and his head dropped into his hands. He watched BJ silently. 

BJ rolled over to look at Hawk. “What?” 

“You’re mad.” 

“I don’t know what’s going on. I’m mad, I’m confused. I feel betrayed even though I know I don’t have that right.” 

Hawkeye nodded. “Your doctor thinks you’re a psych risk.” 

BJ stared at Hawk deadpan. “Oh really? The empty room didn’t give me that thought at all. And neither did the fact that he told me if I were anyone else, I’d already be locked up.” BJ crossed his arms, his blanket fisted in his hands. “I know I’m not crazy. Just lock me up if you don’t believe me.” 

“I’m not locking you up,” Hawk said, grabbing BJ’s hand under the blanket. “I know what that’s like.” Hawkeye stretched out his legs and pat his thigh, offering it as a pillow. “I’m quite used to hospital rooms. I’ll wait here with you.” 

BJ moved over and set his head on Hawkeye’s thigh and curled up onto his side, closing his eyes. Hawkeye’s fingers pet BJ’s hair in circles until BJ’s breathing slowed. 

“I don’t know what we’re going to do with you,” Hawk whispered, “but you aren’t allowed to leave us again.” 

“I’m not asleep,” BJ mumbled. 

Hawkeye’s cheeks flushed red. “Yeah I knew that. I think it’s important for you to know.” He played with BJ’s hair until the doctor came in. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours. 

“How are you feeling BJ?” Dr Duncan asked, crouching down beside them. 

“I’m not,” BJ said. 

“Alright. How do you feel about going home?” 

BJ shrugged. 

“Do you want to stay here for the night?” 

“No,” Hawk said quickly. “Come on, Beej. Come home. Peg and I have been waiting so long.” His hand clenched at the fabric of BJ’s gown and held him close. “I told you, you aren’t allowed to leave us again.” 

“You can stay with him if he lets you,” Elijah said. “BJ?” 

BJ tightened the blanket around himself and sat up. “Go home?” 

Hawk breathed a sigh of relief and brushed his thumb on BJ’s shoulder. “Get dressed and we’ll go.” 

Elijah stood up and his mouth tightened into a tense smile. “Doctor Pierce, can I speak to you in the hallway?” 

Hawkeye stood up and helped BJ to his feet. “You gonna be okay?” 

“I’m a big boy, Hawk. I can dress myself.” BJ held himself against the wall, favoring his stitched foot. He grabbed the pile of clothes and held it in his hands as Hawkeye seemed reluctant to release BJ at all. He stepped out the door, his fingertips the last part of him to release BJ. 

BJ slipped the gown off and pulled his boxers on. The wall held him up as he pulled on his shirt. He took the sweatpants in his hand and stared at them, stared at the rip in the knee, the blood staining the knee and cuffs.

Hawkeye walked to see him staring at the pants. “Beej, it’s alright. It’s just a pair of sweatpants.” 

BJ set his foot down and inhaled sharply in pain. “I have stitches in my foot. I need— I can’t walk on it.” 

Hawkeye walked out into the ER again and BJ tried to slip on the sweatpants. He hit his elbow off the wall but succeeded relatively unscathed. He sat back on the floor, wrapping the blanket around himself and waited. Exhaustion was settling in his bones. He was nearly asleep when Hawk walked back in, wielding a set of crutches. 

“How’d you cut your foot?” 

BJ jerked up and looked at Hawkeye. “Uh… seashell on the beach last night, I think. I must’ve jostled it sometime and it opened up again.” 

Hawkeye held out his hand and pulled BJ up. “Come on, Beej. Let’s head home.” 

BJ took the crutches and followed Hawkeye out to the car. It was Hawk’s own car; he must have driven it out from Maine when he moved. BJ slipped in the passenger seat and stared out the window, resting his head against it. 

“Are you mad at me?” Hawk asked before starting the car. “Beej if I knew you’d ever come back to us, I wouldn’t— I’d never—” 

“I’m not mad.” 

Hawk nodded. “Yeah, alright.” He started the car and started driving back home. The ride was tense, silent. Hawkeye drove carefully, as if he was holding precious cargo— and to Hawkeye, he was. Fleeting, breakable cargo. 

Hawkeye climbed out at home and rushed around to open BJ’s door and help him up. BJ said nothing; he just allowed Hawk to maneuver him wherever he wanted him. 

Peg met them at the door, worry in her eyes. “BJ—” 

BJ just smiled at her and walked past, his head pointed down at the floor. He dropped onto the couch and yanked the blanket back over himself. He propped his foot up on the arm of the couch and closed his eyes. 

“BJ,” Peg said, following him into the living room. “We need to talk.” 

BJ opened his eyes and stared at Peg. 

Peg’s breathing hitched. Those eyes she loved so much were dull, lifeless. “You’re mad.” 

BJ shook his head. “Not mad,” he whispered. “Not at you or Hawk.” 

Erin ran in the front door and launched herself at BJ, her arms wrapping around his neck. “You’re still here,” she whispered against his shoulder and BJ’s heart broke. Tears welled in his eyes; he buried his face in Erin’s hair. 

“I’m here baby.” His arms wrapped around Erin and held her close. She was so much bigger than she had been. She was tall and lanky; gone was that little chubby cheeked girl. 

“How’d you hurt your foot, Daddy?” 

BJ swiped at the tears on his cheeks and adjusted Erin to a comfortable position. “Stepped on something sharp on the beach and had to go to the doctor. I got a checkup while I was there.” 

“How’d that go?” Peg asked. She was watching BJ very intently, but from a distance. 

“Everything’s the exact same as it was three years ago. At least for me,” BJ said pointedly. 

Peg looked down at the floor and wrapped her arms around herself. 

Erin looked at BJ. “Mommy and dad said I can’t tell anyone you’re home again. How come?” 

BJ’s brows furrowed. “I don’t know.” He looked at Peg who avoided his gaze. He took a deep breath and eased the hair bands from Erin’s hair. “You look very pretty today.” 

Erin’s face widened into a grin. “I wanted to look pretty for you when you woke up.” 

“Did mommy do it for you?” 

“No,” Erin said. “Dad did.” 

BJ nodded. He should have known. “It looks good.” He let go of Erin but rather than get down, Erin snuggled in closer. She stuck the first fingers on her left hand into her mouth and reached over to play with the neckline of BJ’s shirt. 

Peg stood there watching them. She thought BJ was mad but she looked quite mad herself. “Erin honey, daddy and I need to talk in private. Go play with Benny please.” Erin snuggled in closer. “Now, Erin,” Peg said sternly. 

Erin whined but slipped off BJ’s lap and trudged up the stairs. She slammed the door hard upstairs and Peg pinched the bridge of her nose. Finally she sighed. 

“What’s happening, BJ? Where have you been for three years?” 

BJ curled up on himself. He’d never been this confused and unsure before in his life. “I don’t know.” 

“Bullshit.” 

BJ looked at Peg pleadingly. “I really don’t know, Peggy. Do you think I’d leave you like that? Just because of an argument?” 

“What was I supposed to think?! I was trying to get you to talk to him and then you were gone. You left me, you left Erin, you left Benny.” 

The ache in BJ’s chest felt like it was choking him. “I didn’t leave you,” he whispered, tears in his eyes. 

Hawk came in and set his hand on Peg’s shoulder and shook his head. Peg looked up at him and furrowed her brows. 

“Whose side are you on, Ben?” 

“There’s no sides,” Hawk said. “I think he’s telling the truth. Come here.” Hawkeye took Peg’s arm and led her out of the room, leaving BJ on the couch. 

BJ closed his eyes and listened to the whispers from the next room. He couldn’t make out what they were saying but it didn’t take a genius to know it was him. He wrapped the blanket around him and limped to the next room. “I think I should leave—” he started. 

“No!” Peg and Hawk both exclaimed. 

“You can’t,” Peg said. “Erin would be heartbroken.” 

BJ nodded. “Tell her it was a dream.” 

“Beej, you can’t leave us again. Where’s all this coming from?” 

“You didn’t say you’d be heartbroken, just Erin,” BJ pointed out. 

Peg’s face crumpled. “BJ—” 

“It’s alright,” he said, “really.” 

Peg rushed to wrap her arms around BJ, burying her face in his chest. “Please don’t leave me again BJ.” 

“You’ve got Hawk now,” BJ whispered against her hair. “You don’t need me.” 

“I don’t need Hawk either but I sure am fond of him. I’m quite fond of you, too.” She took BJ’s arms out from under his blanket and wrapped them around her. “Let’s go upstairs and talk, okay? There’s— we have important things to talk about.” 

Hawkeye scratched the back of his neck anxiously. “Peg—” 

Peg walked backwards, keeping BJ’s hands clasped behind her back. 

“BJ grab your crutches at least,” Hawk said. “You’re gonna tear your foot open again.” 

BJ snagged the crutches as they walked past them and tossed the blanket on the couch. It was rough moving up the stairs with them but he managed. Just as he was about to turn into the master bedroom, Peg passed him and went to the far spare bedroom. 

BJ followed her and walked in. There was a big bed pushed off to one side of the room. Hawk and Peg had moved into the smaller room? There was a stack of baby blankets on Hawk’s footlocker in the corner, some knitted baby socks. 

BJ’s heart stuttered to a halt. “You’re pregnant?” 

“You were gone, BJ,” Peg said quietly. 

BJ sank onto the foot of the bed. “I know. I know.” BJ looked over at Hawkeye who was hovering in the doorway. He gave him a gentle smile. “You’re a lucky man. Peg makes beautiful babies.” 

“It wasn’t planned,” Hawkeye said. 

BJ looked around at the room. “How come this isn’t the nursery? What happened to the master bedroom?” 

Peg stood up and motioned to BJ to follow her. He stood up and followed her back down the hallway. He pushed the bedroom door open and stepped inside and took a breath. It was the only thing in the house that hadn’t seemed to change everything about it. 

He sat on the bed and looked around. They’d moved some of his stuff into the room, but overall, it was the same as it had been twenty-four hours ago. Three years ago. BJ laid in the center of the mattress and stared at the ceiling. 

BJ’s breathing stuttered as Peg curled up against his side on the bed. He sat up and moved over, ignoring the hurt look on Peg’s face. His chest felt tight— a feeling he should have gotten used to over the last day. 

Hawk pinned BJ in on the other side, sitting on the edge of the bed. BJ curled in on himself, trying not to touch either of them. His skin felt so sensitive, even the brush of his shirt almost too much. 

Someone pressed their hand on his thigh and BJ curled in on himself. “Please don’t,” he said quietly. The hand left and BJ rolled over, shoving his face into the pillow. “ t’s too much.” 

Hawkeye balled his hands up and set them on his lap, carefully avoiding touching BJ. He moved down the mattress and laid down next to him. He laid there for a minute before he bolted up and ran out of the room. BJ lifted his head long enough to watch Hawk’s cardigan swish around the door before he shoved his face back in the pillow. It smelled clean. It wasn’t dusty. Peg and Hawk had to be keeping the room clean. BJ frowned into the pillow. 

Hawk circled back into the room and sat on the bed, careful about not touching BJ. He leaned against the headboard with a stack of papers in his lap. 

Peg watched Hawk as he looked at the papers. “Are you going to read them?” 

“No,” Hawk said. “Not until we talk.” 

Peg sat up and pushed herself up against the headboard. BJ wished they’d stop moving the bed. 

“BJ, dear, can you sit up?” 

“No,” BJ said, sitting up. He pushed himself up against the headboard with the other two. His eyes were red and a crease from the pillow was pressed into his cheekbone. BJ grabbed a pillow and cradled it against his chest. Peg set her hand between them palm up, an invitation if BJ had ever seen one. 

BJ didn’t know if he was allowed to accept the invitation. 

Hawkeye did the same thing on his left side— his hand rested between them, palm up, fingers extended. He caught BJ looking at his hand and he wiggled his fingers. BJ didn’t clasp their hands but he allowed the pillow to fall to his lap and he entwined their pinkies with his. 

Hawk smiled softly and tightened his pinky around BJ’s. 

“What do we need to talk about?” BJ asked, his voice wavering. 

“Why’d you leave?” Peg asked. 

Hawkeye looked across BJ at Peg and stared at her incredulously. 

“Don’t give me that look. He left to go out on the beach because of a stupid argument. That’s still leaving.” 

“I needed to think,” BJ said. Did Hawk know what they fought about? He had to, didn’t he? “Does Hawk— do you know…?” 

“I know what you fought about.” 

BJ nodded. “Oh.” 

Hawk entwined their fingers. “Beej, it’s alright.” He leaned in and nudged BJ’s shoulder. “C’mon Beej look at me.” BJ looked up at Hawk’s face. “C’mon, as often as I blatantly flirted with you in Korea, you thought I’d what— stop being your friend? I was in love with you. Still am.” 

“You’re— what?” 

Hawk just shook his head and chuckled. Peg leaned into BJ’s side. “He’s in love with you, stupid. And I am too, obviously.” 

BJ looked at their hands. Hawk and Peg had moved their hands to sit on BJ’s thighs. 

“You don’t need me,” BJ said quietly. “You’ve replaced me.” 

“BJ,” Peg said, “you’re being an idiot.” She smoothed the blanket creases with her free hand. “Do you think that rooms are going to stay clean like this for three years all on their own? I come in here weekly and clean. It kept me close to you.” 

“What about the— the new baby?” 

Peg’s hand moved unconsciously to her stomach. “The more hands the merrier.” 

“I helped raise Benny and he’s a monster so it’s your turn. I broke the last one.” 

BJ laughed, sniffling. “Erin’s not half bad,” he teased.

“That’s all Peg.” Hawk leaned into BJ’s shoulder. “And you.” 

“Me? I only had a year with her.” 

Hawkeye hummed. “Good genes.” He set the stack of papers on the bed stand and BJ looked at them, trying to catch a glimpse of the words. 

“What are those?” 

“Love letter journal writings that I wrote for you. Not important right now. Not yet.” Hawkeye took BJ’s chin in his hand and turned his face towards him. “You do know how irreplaceable you are to us, don’t you?” 

BJ’s eyes started to water and he blinked back the tears. 

“I take it that’s a no.” Hawk cradled BJ’s face and pulled him into a gentle kiss. “I’ll do better.” 

“We’ll do better,” Peg amended, leaning into the pair more. She pressed kisses to BJ’s shoulder through his shirt. “Promise.” 

Hawkeye moved in and straddled BJ’s lap. He rested his forehead against BJ’s and closed his eyes. “You’re so important to me, BJ; to us. You’re my best friend. You have been since I met you. Remember what I told you back in Korea? I’ll never be able to shake you. You’re not going to shake me either; I simply won’t allow it.” 

“I wouldn’t want to,” BJ whispered. His eyes were already open when Hawk opened his again and they stared at each other. “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Hawk said. 

“And me,” Peg said. She moved to the end of the bed. “Hawk get off.” Hawkeye moved and Peg wrapped her hands around BJ’s ankles, tugging him away from the headboard. Hawk burst out laughing at the surprised look on BJ’s face and BJ laughed breathlessly. 

“Christ, Peg,” BJ laughed. 

Peg walked over to the door and turned the lock before returning to the bed and climbing back up beside BJ. She leaned over BJ, her hair framing their faces. “I love you so much.” She started kissing his neck— slow, open mouthed kisses against his pulse point. 

BJ sank into the mattress. He was the most relaxed he’d been in days. Just as he was aware that Hawkeye was watching them, Hawk’s lips mirrored Peg’s. BJ sighed and lifted his chin up, his eyes falling closed. 

Hawkeye cupped BJ’s cheek, Hawk’s thumb brushing his cheekbone. Peg moved down BJ’s body, shoving the neckline of his shirt down to expose more skin. Hawk moved up, his lips hovering over BJ’s. His breath was warm against BJ’s lips and BJ opened his eyes to look at him. 

“I’ve dreamt about this for so long.” Hawk leaned in and kissed BJ. BJ sighed into the kiss and brought his hand up to pull Hawkeye in close. His hand fisted in the front of Hawkeye’s shirt. Peg grabbed the hem of BJ’s shirt and rucked it up to his collarbones. 

“Take it off,” she ordered. “No, sit up so I can.” 

Hawk’s hand moved to cradle BJ’s back and pulled him to sit up before BJ could even comprehend what was happening. His shirt was pulled off his head and thrown to the ground and he was being lowered back to the mattress. 

Peg sat back and stared at BJ’s body, specifically a bruise on his pec. “I did that,” she whispered. Her eyes were wide as she sat back. “Three… years ago.” 

BJ flushed and covered his face, thinking about the sex that led to the bruise. Hawkeye snorted and unbuttoned his shirt, letting it fall apart loosely. 

“Hey Beej,” he said, his voice teasing. “Look, matching marks.” 

BJ pulled his arm away from his face long enough to look at Hawkeye’s chest and he groaned, dropping his arm back . 

Peg put her hands on her hips and stared at them. “It’s not my fault I’ve got working teeth and two bite sluts.” To punctuate her point, she leaned down and bit at the junction of BJ’s shoulder. She relished how BJ’s pelvis tilted forward, the way his heart raced and she knew, without even looking, that his face was contorted in pleasure. And that Hawk was watching him; she could hear his breathing stutter. Peg leaned back and pressed a gentle kiss to the bite mark. “He loves being marked.” 

Hawk laid down beside BJ and started trailing kisses down BJ’s chest, nipping at the skin every so often. “Birds of a feather, eh BJ? Cut from the same silk rope.” 

“Silk rope?” 

Hawk’s toothy grin was damn near predatory. “A new addition to the trunk in the closet.” Hawkeye threw his leg over BJ’s torso and sat low on his pelvis. “We could tie you down and kiss you until you’re convinced that we love you. You are _so_ irreplaceable to me.” 

Peg grinned and eased BJ’s hands above his head and pinned them down against the mattress. He pretended to struggle and Peg laughed. “You could get away from me if you wanted,” she teased. 

“I’ve never wanted that,” BJ said. “If it were up to me, I’d never leave.” 

“I know,” Peg whispered. “I know.” She lifted BJ’s head up and moved herself under him. His head rested against her inner thigh and BJ turned to kiss at the warm skin through her pants. 

“You’re both far too dressed,” BJ said. 

“This is just for you,” Peg said, petting BJ’s hair. “Not us.” 

“Not sure I want to be the only one undressed here.” 

Hawk climbed off BJ’s lap and snagged his shirt from the floor. “Do you want this back on?” 

“I don’t know.” 

Peg’s fingers stilled in his hair. “Do you want us to stop?” 

BJ took a shuddering breath. “I don’t know.” 

Hawkeye set the shirt on the bed and walked over to unlock the door. He slunk out the door and it fell closed behind him. 

BJ’s hands were shaking as he pulled his shirt back on, his chest feeling warm. The trail of kisses Hawk had plastered on his torso burned him and left his body ice cold all at once. 

Hawkeye rushed in, rummaging through another pile of papers. “When I was in Korea, I disobeyed orders and went to Kimpo Air Base to say goodbye to my friend. He’d already left and I was so mad. We were actually supposed to be there to pick up BJ. So I was ranting about the unfairness of it all and I bastardized a Rudyard Kipling quote and BJ— he picked up on it in an instant.” 

“Hawk,” Peg warned. 

“Hawk what is this?” 

Hawk held up a finger. _Wait_. “I was so mad at my friend that I didn’t want to give BJ even half a chance. We came across wounded men on the way back to the 4077th and BJ didn’t hesitate to jump out and start helping them. His heart was one of the best things about him. He loved whole heartedly and sometimes it made him angry that he wasn’t allowed to be with the ones he loved but—” Hawk took a shuddering breath. “But he channeled that anger into determination to help as many people around him as he could. I was in love with him. But I was lucky enough to be his best friend. I was lucky enough to love him for the time I got with him.” Hawkeye folded up the papers and tossed them on the bed side table. “That’s right around the time I started sobbing. The point is, BJ, that I told you I loved you in a church full of your closest friends and family and you weren’t there to hear it. That’s how much I love you; how much you mean to me.” 

BJ stared at the papers on the bedside table. “You—?” 

“I told people how much I loved you even though it could have gotten me beaten and killed, thrown in jail. Yeah. Christ, Beej. I’d do anything for you. Why won’t you understand that?” 

“Joke’s on him,” Peg whispered into BJ’s ear. “Everyone there already knew. Suspected at least.” 

“Who was there?” 

“The church funeral was left to just friends and family— our parents, siblings, members from the 4077th. There was a military graveside service; that’s where the flag came from. I don’t know who asked for that though, it wasn’t me or Hawk.” 

BJ nodded, curling his arms around himself. His fingernails bit into the flesh of his upper arms. 

Hawkeye sat on the edge of the bed. “There were so many times I wished it was me instead of you.” Hawk slipped his hand under BJ’s tensed fingers and eased his nails out of his arm. “Especially after Benny was born.” 

“Sidney came to visit after Benny was born,” Peg murmured. “We both needed to talk to him.” 

“I told Dr Duncan to call him if he thought I was so much of a psych risk.” 

“He did,” Hawk said. “Sid’s on his way as soon as he can catch a flight. I told your doctor that you’d be better off here than laying on the hospital floor watching the clock.” 

Now BJ was upsetting Sidney’s life, not just Hawkeye and Peg’s. Sidney was going to come all the way across the country just to deal with something that BJ couldn’t explain. ‘Hey Sid, no I don’t know where I’ve been for four years. I’m upset and confused. Well, thanks for coming.’ 

Peg sat behind BJ and laid her head against his shoulder blades. Her legs wrapped around his waist and her arms around his chest. “We all need to talk to him, not just you.” 

BJ was very aware of Peg’s stomach pressed against his back. It was all he could think about. He hadn’t felt this since before Korea. His chest clenched. 

“BJ darling, your heart is racing. Are you okay?” BJ nodded and Peg pressed her face against BJ’s back. “You’re a liar.” 

“Your stomach,” he whispered. “It’s been… seven years since I’ve felt that.” 

Peg pulled herself back. “Sorry.” 

“Can we all lay down?” BJ asked. “Together.” 

Peg moved out from behind BJ and curled up against his chest. Her stomach was pressed against his. Hawkeye curled up behind him, slinging his arm over BJ’s waist. BJ reached his left arm behind himself and held onto Hawk’s thigh. 

“Just like Korea, huh Beej?” Hawk teased. 

BJ sighed, finally feeling some semblance of calm; though not entirely calm, it was definitely better. “Not quite,” he replied. “I wouldn’t have minded it though.” Peg pulled BJ’s right arm out from under himself and set her head on it, using it as a pillow. “Actually I’d never wish you over there Peggy Jane.” 

“I wished you back here every day,” she said. She scattered kisses wherever she could reach without moving. 

Hawkeye sandwiched BJ in, leaving kisses on BJ’s neck. The entire length of their bodies were pressed together from their entwined ankles to Hawkeye’s lips on him. Hawkeye took BJ’s hand from his thigh and curled his fingers around it, resting it on BJ’s chest. Peg added her own hand to them and squeezed. 

Peg finally kissed BJ’s lips. She tasted sweet. Her tongue teased into his mouth and BJ felt weak. Hawk had evolved from kissing BJ’s neck to biting and suckling bruises into the skin. Peg pulled back from BJ and leaned over to kiss Hawkeye. Their bodies bracketed him in. Hawkeye sighed and he grew hard against BJ. BJ leaned into it and Hawkeye groaned in his ear. Hearing Hawkeye groan like that, like Hawkeye always had in his dreams, turned BJ on, his own erection hardening against Peg.

“What are you two doing over there?” Peg pulled back and looked at BJ, her eyes bright. 

“Nothing you wouldn’t approve of,” Hawk said grinning. He ground against BJ, pushing BJ into Peg. 

BJ panted a breath in Peg’s ear and Peg shivered. “You’re so pretty like this BJ— trapped between us.” 

“Is it trapped if it’s right where I want to be?” BJ rocked back and forth between them, his cock pressing against Peg’s pelvis, Hawk’s hitting his ass. 

Hawkeye pinned him down. “We’re supposed to be doing the work here, not you.” 

“We weren’t supposed to get this sort of energy,” Peg said laughing. “This was supposed to be love and sweet kisses and loving affirmations.” 

“Heard the affirmations,” BJ said. 

“He’s feeling the love,” Hawk teased, wiggling his hips. 

“I’m feeling something.” 

Hawkeye leaned away from BJ long enough for BJ to fall to the mattress. He eased up BJ’s shirt once more and peppered his torso with kisses. Peg reached for his pants and slipped them down, tutting at the scrape on his knee. His underwear followed soon after. Then Hawk’s. Then Peg’s. 

_____

BJ was the last to wake up. Peg and Hawkeye had already left the room. The blanket was pulled up over his body and a clean set of clothes was left on the end of the bed. He pulled them on and slipped out the door— first to the bedroom, then out to the beach. 

Hawkeye and Peg had made him feel loved but for some reason, now that they were gone, he felt empty again. BJ walked down the steps to the beach, wishing he had something to wrap tight around himself. Someone had washed his clothes from when he washed up on the beach. 

BJ dropped into the sand and drew circles in the sand. His circles morphed into groups of circles. Four circles, one square. BJ was the odd man out. 

He sighed and swiped away the circles. Instead he wrote all their initials in the sand. They all looked nice enough together, he thought. Much better than circles. The ocean crept up and the waves swept away the letters. BJ groaned and laid back in the sand. 

“What did I do?” he asked the sky. “Why me? All I ever did was love them.” 

He closed his eyes and let the water wash over his feet. The salt water stung the cut on his foot. He sat up suddenly. He had to move. He waded into the ocean and began to swim. His shoulders ached a bit. His lungs burned as he refused to come up for air until the last moment he could. 

BJ could hear Peg yelling for him on the beach. 

A wave swept him under before he could come up for air. Wave after wave pounded his body. His lungs screamed for air. His head rose above the ocean long enough to be shoved back under as his mouth opened to inhale. His body was tossed and rolled. He couldn’t find up. He couldn’t get out. Everything went black. 

_____ 

Peg ran to the beach, her nightgown wrapping around her ankles. Wind whipped her hair across her face and her scream got carried away from her. 

A wave slammed BJ onto the beach. Peg ran to him, his body limp and lifeless. He was facedown in the sand and he wasn’t moving. 

Peg wrapped her hands under BJ’s arms and yanked him up higher on the beach. The waved couldn’t reach them now. She turned him over and brushed sand off his mouth. “BJ? BJ wake up.” She set her ear on BJ’s chest, listening for something, anything. Nothing. 

Peg’s mind turned to tv static. Her body moved without her controlling it. She tipped BJ’s head back. Somehow she knew CPR. Thank god somehow she knew. She hated the feeling of doing chest compressions. She was panting. Her heart was racing and tears streamed down her cheeks. 

“Wake up, BJ. C’mon.” She could hear the crack of BJ’s ribs almost before she felt it. “Come on.” 

BJ spluttered, coughing out water before falling back into the sand.

“You’re not allowed to die until I kill you,” she said, starting chest compressions again. “Wake up.” BJ spluttered out more water and groaned. Peg sat him up and pulled him into her chest. “Don’t scare me like that again, you idiot.” She was taking big gasping breaths trying to fend off the sobs. 

“Where’s Hawk?” BJ rasped out. 

“I don’t know, at his hotel? BJ deep breaths. C’mon.” 

BJ’s head was swimming. “His hotel? He was just— he was just here.” 

Peg pulled BJ back and looked at him. His skin was getting its color back, his eyes were wide and bright. He _looked_ okay, but he was talking nonsense. “BJ I’m bringing you to the hospital. You’re talking crazy. Hawk hasn’t been here all day.” 

Hasn’t— he was just at home. He was in their house with their kids. Hawk lived here now; why would he be at a hotel? 

“What year is it?” 

Peg stood up, trying to pull BJ with her. “Definitely bringing you to the hospital.” 

BJ held himself down in the sand. “It’s 1957, isn’t it?” 

“BJ, no. Get up.” Peg tugged at him. He was harder to move like this than when he’d been completely dead weight. “Get up; we’re going to the hospital.” 

“No, if it’s 1954 then I need to talk to Hawk. Right now. Go call him, pick him up, something. It’s important. I’m ready to tell him, Peg.” 

Peg stopped pulling at BJ and stared at him. “You’re ready to tell him?” 

“Tell him that I love him. That I want him to be a part of us.” BJ pushed himself to his feet, wobbling until Peg caught him. “I’m so sorry for fighting you about it, Peggy Jane. That was so dumb of me. You were right.” BJ pulled Peg into his arms. She wrapped her own arms around him, not worrying about the fact that he was soaking her clothes. 

“Now I’m really worried about you,” she said, “Especially if you’re admitting that.” 

“I’m fine, Peg. Honest. I just want to see Hawk.” 

Peg wiped tears from her face with BJ’s damp shirt. “Let’s get you to the house then, okay?” She locked her arms with his and led him to the house. Once he was situated in the shower, warming himself up, Peg called Hawkeye’s hotel. “Ben Pierce please,” she said quietly into the phone. “Tell him it’s an emergency.” 

Hawkeye didn’t answer his phone so the concierge sent someone up to wake him. “Peg?” 

“I know it’s 3 am but BJ nearly drowned and I had to do CPR and he refuses to go to the hospital until he talks to you. Please come.” 

Peg could hear Hawkeye shuffling over the line. “I’m on my way. How’s he acting?”

Peg was near sobbing again. “Like nothing’s wrong, like he didn’t almost drown. He’s in the shower warming up and washing off right now.” 

“Keep an eye of him until I get there, alright? I’m leaving now. I’ll see you in a bit, Peg.” 

“Please hurry,” Peg whispered before hanging up. 

Hawkeye was there in nearly no time, knocking on the door frantically. Peg, who had been pacing outside the bathroom, ran over and opened it. “Oh thank god you’re here. He won’t go to the hospital until he sees you.” 

“He won’t go to the hospital anyway,” Hawk said. “Just get me his med pack; I’ll check him out myself.” Hawkeye stalked over to the bathroom door and knocked on it. “Beej, can I come in?” 

“I’ll be out in a second!” BJ called. The water turned off and BJ opened the door, towel around his waist. He looked into the mirror and regarded his mustache. “What would you think if I shaved this?” 

“I’d say thank god. BJ, come here. Let me look at you.” 

“I feel fine, Hawk. I’m alright.” 

Hawkeye stared at him. “You _drowned_ , BJ.” 

“And yet, here I am! More alive than ever.” 

Hawkeye opened up the med kit and set it on the counter. He gave BJ a full physical, listening to his heartbeat for considerably longer than necessary. 

“Hawk—” 

“Shh,” he admonished, “I just need to make sure. Are you okay?” 

“My chest hurts a bit but I think that’s from compressions more than anything.” His chest was a bit red, bruising starting already. 

Hawk frowned at that. “Your wife can really pack some muscle, huh?” 

“And I love her for it.” 

Hawkeye continued to mother hen BJ, making sure he dressed warm and covered up with blankets. 

“I’m plenty warm, Hawk. I told you I’m fine.” 

Hawk tucked the blanket tighter around BJ and sat beside him on the couch. “Peg said you needed to talk to me?” 

BJ shifted himself and leaned on Hawkeye’s shoulder. Peg sidled in alongside BJ, bracketing him between herself and Hawk. Her legs laid across his lap and she rested her head on his chest. His heart was beating fine, his breathing was fine— like she had never yanked him away from his death. 

“Peg’s pregnant,” he said. His eyes were closed but he could feel Peg’s body shift to stare at him. “She hasn’t told me yet though. It’s a boy and he’ll be born four months from now. I’m absolutely willing to put money down on this.” 

“How—?” 

“Peg and I want you there by our side, Hawk.” BJ finally opened his eyes and shifted to look at Hawkeye. “For the pregnancy, delivery, and every moment of our lives from hereon after. You, me, and Peg, Erin, the new baby, our house, Waggles. All of it.” 

Peg reached over and set her hand on Hawk’s. “I’m starting a garden and if you agree to join us, you’re also agreeing to being chief weeder.” 

Hawk shook his head. “You guys don’t want me.” 

BJ wrestled his arm out from under the blanket and added it to Peg and Hawk’s. “We do,” Peg said. “We’ve talked about it for years.” 

“Years,” BJ agreed. “I wrote her love letters about you while you were sniffing your food or delirious from lack of sleep. I wrote her letters about how I love you even when you were being the biggest pain in the ass.” 

“He called you ‘Our Hawkeye’ right from the start. We really do want you, Hawkeye. Both of us. We love you.” 

“I love you too,” he whispered. “You’re sure?” 

“Positive,” Peg said. 

“If I wasn’t sure, I would have smothered you with a pillow by now,” BJ said, resting his head on Hawk’s shoulder. “I’m sure.” 

“You get all the perks—” Peg explained, “—sex, kissing, cuddles. But you also have to deal with the detriments— pregnancy complaints, BJ’s grumpy disposition and crippling jealousy, et cetera et cetera.” 

“You have to help with meals,” BJ added. “House chores.” 

“If you’re going to get back rubs, you have to give back rubs.” Peg moved closer to Hawkeye, balancing herself on BJ’s lap. “But don’t say yes if you don’t want to.” 

Hawk turned his hand over and curled his fingers over Peg’s and traced lines against BJ’s. “No I’m more than fine with back rubs. Providing the back rubs sometimes lead to sex. I’m assuming that’s how little BJ Jr got here.” He jerked the hand pile toward Peg’s stomach and she laughed. 

“Close,” she said, eyes twinkling. “Wrestling match.” 

“Ahh,” Hawk said, eyes devious. 

BJ shivered a bit under his blankets and both Peg and Hawkeye looked at him, their faces searching for any danger. “C’mon Hawkeye what do you say?” 

“A house, a fence, beachside property… dog and a kid, not to mention my best friends who I am deeply and irrevocably in love with? Yeah. Count me in.” 

BJ’s eyebrows quirked up with apprehensive hope. “Yeah?” 

Hawkeye squeezed Peg’s hand and leaned down to press a kiss to BJ’s hair. “Yeah.”


End file.
